We're all narcissists...

We're all narcissists. Let's be honest. We are! Perhaps it's the sheer drive of life itself, the uncompromising will towards survival, reproduction, and propagation of our species that underlies the narcissism in all of us. And, in an "eat or be eaten" type of context, I guess it's a reasonably adaptive characteristic to possess. So for better or for worse, here we are, the way we are...narcissists! What's most interesting to me, however, is not the fact that I see this sort of self-interest as an inherent human quality, but the subtle and completely paradoxical ways it can manifest itself. We tend to think of narcissists as people who think very highly of themselves, people who think, or at least say loudly and often, that they are just about as awesome as it gets. Narcissism has another face though, far more seductive and hypnotic: that of self-loathing. In a society that for the most part frowns upon excessive pride and vanity (with notable exceptions), we tend to recognize the outspoken, excessively self-affirming behaviors that we might also call arrogance, and frown upon them also. We appreciate a reasonable level of self efficacy and confidence, but it's good not to think too highly of oneself. But what about thinking too lowly of oneself? What about the self-deprecating Yin to the overly-confident Yang?

Now, I'll admit, there are definitely instances where I finding myself thinking, "Man, I am just AWESOME!!! I bet everyone wishes they were me right now." Hopefully we all have these moments from time to time. Thus far though, I feel these moments occur with relatively "healthy" frequency. What I find myself continually wresting against lies on the other end of this spectrum, punctuated by phrases like:

"I'm not good enough"

"I'm not funny enough"

"I'm not smart enough"

"I'm not cool enough"

"I'm not confident enough"

"I'm not attractive enough"

"I'm not calm enough"

"I'm not talented enough"

"I'm not responsible enough"

etc. etc. etc. blah blah Blah BLah BLAH!!!!!

Now if we take a minute to think about it, what do all these phrases have in common? They all start with the word 'I'. That's right folks, even in the very act of telling ourselves how much we suck and how terribly we have failed and how numerous our shortcomings are, we are doing something quite interesting that easily evades us if we're not mindful. We are effectively saying, "I am so so SO IMPORTANT, which is why my faults merit such tedious and frequent mental scrutiny!" We must be pretty damn important for all our faults to matter so damn much. I am at the center of the universe. It's all--about--me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for thoughtful reflection and self examination. After all, I think we'd all agree that we are most of us trying, however imperfectly, to be the best people we can be. But I believe there is a stark difference, in fact a gaping abyss, between saying, "Here is something in myself I'm not particularly fond of. What can I do to grow?" and simply wallowing in how much we dislike ourselves and here's all the reasons why. At the end of the day, it's simple self-indulgance. Period. It's building ourselves up by breaking ourselves down.

Poor David...he's such a failure. Poor poor David, his life is so hard! If only he were funnier... If only he were more attractive... If only he were more confident... If only he were more charming... If only he were less awkward. Poor, poor, poor David. It's such a burden to the entire freaking universe having David around! He just brings everyone down. If only he could get his act together, the whole world would be a better place. He's just so terribly important. Poor, poor David Bergner.

I'm sorry David, but life is too beautiful and far too brief to waste time like this. And you know what else? You are far too beautiful, and not nearly important enough, to bear this terrible burden of having to be perfect, lest the cosmos collapse back in on themselves, making you responsible for the end of all life as we know it. And let's also remember what this kind of self-indulgent self-loathing does to those around us. It deprives them of that sacred right, that delicious dynamism that defines human life: fighting our own battles, celebrating our own joys, suffering our own defeats. In short, being a person! Because, after all, if everything is always about you, how could anything ever be about anyone else? Can't someone be sad just because they're sad? Or happy just because they're happy? Or be distant just because they're distant, for their own reasons? To assume the kind of epic responsibility that self-loathing mandates, you are in fact doing a disservice not only to yourself, but to your fellow people.

So what, you ask, do I propose as an alternative? I think it's quite simple, really. We need to get over ourselves! I propose a huge party in honor of all humanity everywhere, and everyone is invited! The theme of the party? Our faults, failures, and shortcomings. Our brokenness. Our humanness! This is not a time for mourning, friends. This is a time for the most boisterous of festivities, the most irreverent of spectacles, the most holy of celebrations. This is a party to affirm the peculiar miracle of life. This is a an occasion of being called upon to admit freely at last, that we are not perfect, nor will we ever be. What a relief! It feels so good just to say it, to get it out there in the open. I am not perfect! I can never be perfect! It's not all about me! What a relief....Phew.... Now turn up the music, and let's dance!!!

I have a sneaking suspicion that if we can bring ourselves to this type of openness, this style of honesty, this place of total vulnerability, total surrender, total openness, we might, just might, be opening ourselves up to a richer, realer, and far more blessed life than we could ever have imagined before. Perhaps I'm wrong, and I'm all for experimentation and alternative hypotheses, but my short time on this earth seems to be nudging me strongly, despite fortress-like resistance and stoic stubbornness, in this general direction. What do you think?